Inadequate words

Tori died yesterday.

Her body just couldn't do it anymore. When it became obvious that there was no hope, they cut back on her sedation in the hopes that she would regain some consciousness. Apparently, she did wake up enough for Missy to tell her what she could.

I don't know what to say now. It feels like I should say something about how she faced the last 8 months with incredible strength, which she did, and how sorry I am for Missy's loss. It all sounds so inadequate.

Here's something: The Children's Hospital has a Courage Bead program. Essentially, every time a kid going through cancer treatment has a procedure, or experiences a milestone of some sort, they get a bead to add to their string. Different color and types of beads signify different things. So, for example, every time she got poked she got a black bead to add to her string. When she lost her hair she got a brown bead. When she got her bone marrow transplant she got to pick out a special, big, glass bead (she chose one with a tree on it). She got glow-in-the-dark beads for her each of her radiation treatments. You get the picture. When I was there for her birthday, her strand of beads was over 19 feet long.

Her favorite bands were Green Day and My Chemical Romance. She had a huge crush on Johnny Depp. She wanted to get a tattoo of a heart on the inside of both of her wrists. One facing out and one facing in - for the love she'd received and the love she'd given. I'm so sad she never got to do it.

My concern is for Missy now. I can only begin to understand the depth of her grief. We asked her to come and stay with us for as long as she'd like. I hope she does.

Tori's crashing. She's crashing and we're all lost. They had to put her on a respirator, so they induced a coma so she wouldn't fight it. They also put her on dialysis because her kidneys just can't handle all the toxic by-products of the cellular breakdown she's experiencing. She's unable to regulate her own blood pressure, so they've got her on three different meds to keep it up. She can't handle being off those meds for even a minute (like changing the IV) without her blood pressure plummeting. She also has a fungal mass in one of her lungs, despite being on two powerful anti-fungals. If she makes it past this crisis, they're going to have to do surgery to remove half her lung. Christ.

I don't think she's coming back from this one. This time it seems like too much. Too much. The poor kid's body has had so much to deal with over the last eight months. She has fought back from the brink before, however. There is some hopeful news in all this - she's developed the rash that says the transplant cells have taken root. She's making white cells again and actually has a white count.

I worry. I worry. I cry. I hope.