The birds and the bees

My children are going to reach sexual maturity some day, and that's all right with me.

There, I said it. *Phew*, that wasn't easy. I mean, beyond just hoping that they grow up healthy and all that, they're going to hit puberty. And I'm ok with it.

You may be thinking, "Um, what?" but hear me out. This being ok thing wasn't always true. Like all things parenting, until I had kids I hadn't really thought much about how to parent sexual beings. I mean, I've always considered myself to be pro-sex, or sex-positive, or whatever moniker, but when I started to think about having kids, and once I had them, I would have moments of paralyzing fear about them reaching sexual maturity.

Turns out I'd completely internalized all of the fear-mongering regarding teen sexuality in American culture and media. All of the hysteria about supposed "rainbow parties", "hook-up culture", pregnancy pacts, girls-gone-wild, and teen pregnancy generally, for example. It's one thing to want to raise kids with healthy attitudes towards sex and sexuality, but another thing altogether to raise wanton sex-fiends (as all teenagers are, natch) who have sex with virtual strangers anywhere, any time with no regard for self-respect, intimacy, or responsible use of birth control. The volume on this fear was cranked up to 11 when I found out I was having a girl, as you'll notice the gender disparity in the cultural caricature: boys just think about sex all the time, and really all you have to do is teach them how to use a condom effectively, but depending on your parenting failures girls are either amoral sluts or potential victims of sexual predation of one form or another.

This all came into focus for me because of 3 things:

1. About a year ago, I started reading 3rd wave feminist blogs regularly. In fact, I haven't updated my blogroll in forever to reflect my recent habits. I'll do it once I finish this post. Blogs like Feministing, The Curvature, and Feministe, among others. First up, I gotta say that once you dip your toe into this pool you will not believe how many cool people are writing sometimes amazing, sometimes work-a-day but always interesting, stuff around feminist issues. I love the ladies (and occasional gentleman) who post on those blogs! There are regular posts about the double standard young women vs. young men are held to regarding sex. Slut shaming, purity balls, etc., and it got me thinking about why I was freaked out about having teenagers. About how much of it was reflective of what I really felt and how much of it was a panic response to all the fear-mongering in society at large.

2. I was reading about George Bush's failed Abstinence-Only education agenda one day and I ran across a quote. I can't find it now, but essentially it was along the lines of, well, we can disagree about the effectiveness of abstinence-only education, but as parents we can all agree at least that of course, in the best of all worlds our kids wouldn't be having sex until marriage. It was stated as a given, like we may disagree about methods, or how realistic a goal it is, but obviously we don't want our kids having premarital sex. This brought me up short. I thought...huh...well, no, actually. I don't think anybody should be getting married to someone they haven't had sex with. I suppose there can be exceptions, but in general I think it's foolish. I want my children to marry someone (if they choose to get married) that they are harmoniously intimate with, for lack of a better phrase. I explicitly want my children to have premarital sex. If that construct is even appropriate as they grow up. I would say, in fact, that premarital sex is a core family value in our household. Well, once I articulated that so explicitly, I had to think about exactly what I think are appropriate boundaries regarding sex and sexuality. Don't get me wrong, I don't want either of them having sex when they're 12. Exactly what do I think is right and wrong, and what do I want my kids to believe? I had to try and think about it with a clear head.

3. I read a study called "Must we fear adolescent sexuality?" by Dr. Amy Schalet, where she compares attitudes toward teenage sexuality in America and the Netherlands. The 2 countries are similar in terms of wealth, and education, and similar measures, but the U.S. has the highest, and the Netherlands the lowest, teen pregnancy rate in the western world. What she found is that parental attitudes toward teenage sexuality were also starkly different. When asked whether they would let their teenage child spend the night in their room with their boyfriend or girlfriend , something like 9 out of 10 American parents answered an emphatic, "No", or probably something more like, "Over my dead body!", while 9 out of 10 Dutch parents said yes, they would consider it once their child was at least 16 or 17 years old. Well, at first, when considering the question of would I let my teenager spend the night with their boyfriend/girlfriend in my house, I must admit my initial response for about 3 seconds was, "Hells no!" But when I thought about it longer, I realized that I was responding again out of fear, not out of what I really believe about sex, or teenagers, or morals, etc. So, it got me thinking. Now, I'm not saying that I'm on board with the idea of a teenage sleep-over in my house yet, but I might be in another decade. I'm just saying that I'm not reacting in a knee-jerk fashion anymore. I'm thinking about it is all.

It's a really interesting paper, a must-read for parents, I think. Another tidbit I found interesting: a majority of American parents don't believe that teenagers can actually fall in love (as opposed to infatuation, I suppose), that they don't really know what love is, while Dutch parents do. Interesting...

So, there you go. Blame it on the feminist blogs, George Bush, and a sociology thesis.