On with the story...

I originally started out to tell you all about Linus' birth, but I got sidetracked by this story of my first pregnancy. In case it wasn't clear, that was the worst time of my life. I sincerely hope it never gets topped. There's a little bit more in-between detail I should let you in on, before I get to the actual birthing-Linus part.

I'd made an appointment with the doctor that Fran, the midwife, had recommended before I found out that everything had gone wrong. I'd intended on ditching the awful OB, so the sonogram was supposed to be the last time I saw her. The appointment with the new doc happened to be scheduled for a week after The Procedure. Even though I wasn't pregnant anymore, I decided to keep the appointment. I needed a new doctor anyway. I arrived at my appointment with Dr. Carpenter, Maggie, and checked in at the desk. Her nurse was standing there and said cheerily, "Oh, you're here for a home birth appointment, right? How far along are you?" She looked at me with an expectant smile. I shot a look around at all the receptionists, and people in the waiting room, then back at her, and said quietly, "I'm not. Pregnant, I mean. Anymore." She looked so stricken that I immediately liked her. She'd obviously realized her mistake, asking me a question like that in front of everyone. It's just the kind of dumbass thing I'd do, stepping right in it. She took me back to the exam room and apologized. She asked what had happened and I gave her the bare outline. She wrote everything down and left me to wait for Maggie. I was trying as hard as I could to not to cry, but I knew I wasn't going to last long. Maggie came in, looked at me with much concern and said, "What happened?" I said, "I'm not going to make it through this story without crying," and burst into tears. She handed me a tissue, put her hand on my arm, and told me to take my time. See, as bad as the other doctors were, Maggie was good. Not just compassionate, but smart. She listened to my story, becoming outraged at all the right parts. At the end, I asked her if I could see her for my follow-up appointment in a couple of weeks. I told her that I just couldn't go back to Dr. Jerk. She said, "Of course, I don't blame you!"

I went back for my follow-up and she said that everything looked fine. She said that I could go ahead and try to get pregnant again anytime, we didn't have to wait. I told her that I didn't know if we were going to try again. I just couldn't face the possibility of going through anything like what I'd been through again. She pointed out that we needn't worry, the chances of something like that happening again were extremely small. I knew that. I knew the odds. But, anyone who's been through anything like our experience knows that that's small comfort. See, the chances of something like that happening in the first place were very small, but it did happen, so the fact that the chances of it happening again are small means nothing. Besides, maybe there's something about me, or Orion, something not found on standard tests, that makes it more likely that things would go wrong again. Maybe things would go wrong like that every time. Anyone who's been through anything traumatic can tell you that it changes the way you view the world. How you perceive your vulnerabilities, your chances of coming out unscathed. Long odds seem much shorter when you know how painful it can be.

Anyway. I got over it eventually. I saw a counselor who specializes in trauma a couple of times, but mostly it was just time. I mean, I'll never be totally over it. It's still in the not-so-far-back of my mind as we consider getting pregnant again. But, it doesn't loom quite as large as it used to. It took me about 4 months, then I was able to say, "I think I'd like to try again."