Luna Bee is 1 year old tomorrow!

Time flies! My baby's growing up! I can't believe it's been a year! And all those other cliches that are cliches BECAUSE THEY'RE TRUE!

Getting out the Pre-K vote

Conversation with Linus (age 4) this evening:

Linus: Mommy, I voted for Obama.
Me: Really? You did? Where?
Linus: Mmmm, somewhere.

I think he's being pretty cagey. Maybe this is some of that historic Democratic voter fraud we've been hearing so much about.

OK, go check out this post over at Yes We Can (hold babies). Be sure to read the caption. Go on, I'll wait.

....

Back? Now, if that didn't cause you to at least choke up a little, if not actually weep, well...I just don't know what to say.

Thinking about another baby

Linus is, not me. I mean, I think about it sometimes, but I think I've come to the conclusion that we just can't fucking afford it. But last night Linus asked me, "Where are the babies before they're in the mommies' tummies? Like, when you're zero?" I did a bunch of hand waving about how mommies have little tiny eggs in them, like little seeds, and under the "right conditions" *wink*..blah de blah, etc. Then this morning as he watched me changing Luna he announced that he wants another baby and he wants to name her Butterfly.

Me: That's a nice name, honey. But, what if we had a boy?
Linus: No, I want a girl.
Me: But you can't always control that and you could get a brother. What then?
Linus: (thinks about it...) Then we could name him Luna!
Me: Luna? Wouldn't that be a little weird having both a sister and brother named, "Luna"?"
Linus: No, not really.

Random interlude

Look, I know that last post was a bit of a hot mess. Motherhood, childbirth, breastfeeding, weight, food, fitness, physical activity, and body image (among other things) are all jumbled up for me. It's hard to sort out. I'll endeavor to do better next time.

Meanwhile, I had the following conversation with Linus yesterday on the drive home from work/school:

Linus: Do you know what "bejermen" means?
Me: Bejermen?
Linus: Yes.
Me: Uh, no. What does it mean?
Linus: It means something that is soft AND bumpy.
Me: Soft and bumpy, huh? Bejermen. Really?
Linus: Yes.
(long pause)
No one told me that. I just know.

Getting My Shit Together

The process of becoming the kind of parent I want to be is really the process of Getting My Shit Together. I've quoted him on this blog before, but as my friend Jordan said, "Parenting isn't about controlling your kids, it's more about controlling yourself." Truer words were never spoken. There's this period when your kids are little where you don't really have to have your shit together. Babies need arms, diaper, booby (or the equivalents) and that's about it. It really makes no difference to a baby if you have your shit together, as long as it's together enough to change a diaper, hold them, give them the booby. But, at some point you are no longer just facilitating their development as organisms, but also as people. You begin to help shape their emotional and intellectual as well as physical development. That's when it really starts to become important that you have your shit more or less together, as far I see it.

So, this is number two in a series of posts about Getting My Shit Together. Last one, sex. This one, body image. Here's the thing: I talk the talk about having a positive body image, but it is a struggle. I think with a boy child, that would be sufficient. Not perfect, but sufficient. I think my role-modeling duties regarding body image could be met with him such that he could grow up with a healthy attitude toward his, and others, bodies no matter their size or physical abilities. But, I'm afraid that now that I have a girl child too, I need to get my shit together about it. I don't want to subtly telegraph to her that in fact it's not ok to be anything less than within a narrow range of physical dimensions, because I have completely internalized the negative messages myself. The distinctions I'm drawing between my roles in raising a boy and raising a girl may be bullshit, but nevertheless, I now recognize I need to get my shit together.

This has come to the fore for me lately because I'm again struggling with being ok with my post-pregnancy/breastfeeding body. This is how it goes for me: I gain some amount of weight while pregnant, I have a baby and I lose all the baby/uterine/water/extra-blood-volume weight, but not any more. My weight stays completely flat for about 7-9 months, until the baby starts eating some solids in addition to breastfeeding, then my weight starts to slowly go up. It goes up for some time until it again flattens out. Once the baby weans completely, only then do I slowly start to drop weight again. All of this seems to happen regardless of what/when/how much I eat or exercise. I think what's happening in the breastfeeding period is that once the baby starts on solids, the amount of calories they're taking from me drops, but my body is still getting the hormonal signal that I'm a breastfeeding mom. This means that I'm hungry as hell all the time, so even if I wanted to restrict calories (which I don't) I can't without being miserable. Also, my body isn't going to let go of any fat stores if it can help it. There are plenty of good evolutionary reasons for this. Obviously, it's better for the baby if the mom has the fat stores to feed them no matter what food shortages may strike.

This is what happened to me with Linus. It wasn't until he was completely weaned that I finally began to lose the weight I'd gained during pregnancy. I'd go online to various pregnancy/early parenting sites and chats to find other women having the same experience, and I have to say I found very little commonality with other moms. Many, many women posted about how the weight just fell off while they were breastfeeding. In fact, this was tauted as one of breastfeeding's benefits - You'll have an easier time losing your baby weight :-) ! It was common to hear about moms not losing the last 5-10 lbs. until they'd stopped nursing, but I almost never heard about other moms gaining weight while nursing. I don't know if women just weren't willing to admit it, or maybe my experience really isn't that common. Maybe it's because I'm "older". Who knows?

To be sure, there's plenty of advice out there on how to lose baby weight. Diets, exercise regimes, endless articles on "reclaiming your pre-pregnancy body". That's not what I was looking for. At all. I was looking more for reassurance of normality, I guess. I have no interest in dieting. I know for a full-fucking-fact that it doesn't work. Does. Not. Work. Sure, if you want to lose weight in the short term, one way to do it is through calorie restriction. But, you will gain it back. I just wanted to know if anyone else had had a similar nursing experience.

Now, I'm experiencing the exact same pattern again with Luna Bee. Even though I now know that this is how it happens for me, I struggle with being ok with it. In general, I try to not be all American-girl weirded out about food. I try and eat good food that I enjoy. As a family we try to eat as locally, organically, and in-season as possible. We try to limit mega-corporate fastfood, or buying super-processed food because it was successfully marketed to our kids (or us), though I'd be lying if I said I never eat the occasional Big Mac. We try to eat for nourishment and pleasure, and not treat food as medicine or as a badge of our moral purity in some form or other. I recognize that even being able to talk about food like this is a signifier of privilege.

I also try to be active. I know that I feel and sleep better if I am active in some way every day. But, I'm not interesting in punishing myself with physical activity. It took me awhile in early adulthood to get past the whole, "no pain, no gain" bullshit. I want my kids to be active in whatever way they enjoy because they enjoy it. Not because they feel like they have to to be good people. Hmmmm, it seems I have a lot more to say about this. Maybe in another dedicated post.

Anyway, in part because I'm unwilling to "use" food or exercise to try and control how my body looks, I need to be happy with how it just is. I know that my weight alone isn't a sign of how healthy I am, and shouldn't be a determiner of how happy I am. A particular challenge, I think, when my body has gone through as much change as it has (up, down, around the corner and back again) in the last 5 years or so. Sometimes I am care free about it, sometimes I'm not. Truely, I need to get my shit together about it.

The birds and the bees

My children are going to reach sexual maturity some day, and that's all right with me.

There, I said it. *Phew*, that wasn't easy. I mean, beyond just hoping that they grow up healthy and all that, they're going to hit puberty. And I'm ok with it.

You may be thinking, "Um, what?" but hear me out. This being ok thing wasn't always true. Like all things parenting, until I had kids I hadn't really thought much about how to parent sexual beings. I mean, I've always considered myself to be pro-sex, or sex-positive, or whatever moniker, but when I started to think about having kids, and once I had them, I would have moments of paralyzing fear about them reaching sexual maturity.

Turns out I'd completely internalized all of the fear-mongering regarding teen sexuality in American culture and media. All of the hysteria about supposed "rainbow parties", "hook-up culture", pregnancy pacts, girls-gone-wild, and teen pregnancy generally, for example. It's one thing to want to raise kids with healthy attitudes towards sex and sexuality, but another thing altogether to raise wanton sex-fiends (as all teenagers are, natch) who have sex with virtual strangers anywhere, any time with no regard for self-respect, intimacy, or responsible use of birth control. The volume on this fear was cranked up to 11 when I found out I was having a girl, as you'll notice the gender disparity in the cultural caricature: boys just think about sex all the time, and really all you have to do is teach them how to use a condom effectively, but depending on your parenting failures girls are either amoral sluts or potential victims of sexual predation of one form or another.

This all came into focus for me because of 3 things:

1. About a year ago, I started reading 3rd wave feminist blogs regularly. In fact, I haven't updated my blogroll in forever to reflect my recent habits. I'll do it once I finish this post. Blogs like Feministing, The Curvature, and Feministe, among others. First up, I gotta say that once you dip your toe into this pool you will not believe how many cool people are writing sometimes amazing, sometimes work-a-day but always interesting, stuff around feminist issues. I love the ladies (and occasional gentleman) who post on those blogs! There are regular posts about the double standard young women vs. young men are held to regarding sex. Slut shaming, purity balls, etc., and it got me thinking about why I was freaked out about having teenagers. About how much of it was reflective of what I really felt and how much of it was a panic response to all the fear-mongering in society at large.

2. I was reading about George Bush's failed Abstinence-Only education agenda one day and I ran across a quote. I can't find it now, but essentially it was along the lines of, well, we can disagree about the effectiveness of abstinence-only education, but as parents we can all agree at least that of course, in the best of all worlds our kids wouldn't be having sex until marriage. It was stated as a given, like we may disagree about methods, or how realistic a goal it is, but obviously we don't want our kids having premarital sex. This brought me up short. I thought...huh...well, no, actually. I don't think anybody should be getting married to someone they haven't had sex with. I suppose there can be exceptions, but in general I think it's foolish. I want my children to marry someone (if they choose to get married) that they are harmoniously intimate with, for lack of a better phrase. I explicitly want my children to have premarital sex. If that construct is even appropriate as they grow up. I would say, in fact, that premarital sex is a core family value in our household. Well, once I articulated that so explicitly, I had to think about exactly what I think are appropriate boundaries regarding sex and sexuality. Don't get me wrong, I don't want either of them having sex when they're 12. Exactly what do I think is right and wrong, and what do I want my kids to believe? I had to try and think about it with a clear head.

3. I read a study called "Must we fear adolescent sexuality?" by Dr. Amy Schalet, where she compares attitudes toward teenage sexuality in America and the Netherlands. The 2 countries are similar in terms of wealth, and education, and similar measures, but the U.S. has the highest, and the Netherlands the lowest, teen pregnancy rate in the western world. What she found is that parental attitudes toward teenage sexuality were also starkly different. When asked whether they would let their teenage child spend the night in their room with their boyfriend or girlfriend , something like 9 out of 10 American parents answered an emphatic, "No", or probably something more like, "Over my dead body!", while 9 out of 10 Dutch parents said yes, they would consider it once their child was at least 16 or 17 years old. Well, at first, when considering the question of would I let my teenager spend the night with their boyfriend/girlfriend in my house, I must admit my initial response for about 3 seconds was, "Hells no!" But when I thought about it longer, I realized that I was responding again out of fear, not out of what I really believe about sex, or teenagers, or morals, etc. So, it got me thinking. Now, I'm not saying that I'm on board with the idea of a teenage sleep-over in my house yet, but I might be in another decade. I'm just saying that I'm not reacting in a knee-jerk fashion anymore. I'm thinking about it is all.

It's a really interesting paper, a must-read for parents, I think. Another tidbit I found interesting: a majority of American parents don't believe that teenagers can actually fall in love (as opposed to infatuation, I suppose), that they don't really know what love is, while Dutch parents do. Interesting...

So, there you go. Blame it on the feminist blogs, George Bush, and a sociology thesis.

2 different but closely related topics...

All of the discussion around Obama's comments on abortion has brought up some still raw feelings about my own experience. I think he was talking out of his ass a bit, as many do who haven't been through it, and I'm disappointed. Others have expressed themselves more articulately than I ever would, so I won't go on at length. I'm just disappointed is all.

I'm a lame blogger, we all know that. I vacillate between wanting to write openly and honestly (and as often as possible, humorously) about every experience, feeling grossed out by my narcissism, and feeling shy and wanting to keep my life entirely private. And these feelings have nothing to do with the actual time I have available to write. I feel guilty when I haven't posted in more than a day or two, and I've thought often about just quitting this blog and taking it down. But, in the end I really only have 2 kinds of readers; friends who know me well and read the blog to keep in touch (and a couple of friends of friends who have that as a connection), and people who search for "multiple omphalocele" or "hydrocephaly" or "2 chamber heart" and "routine 17 week sonogram" in google in some combination and end up here somehow. It happens every couple of months - I'll check the visitor paths and there's the trail. That's really why I leave this blog up even when I haven't posted in weeks. When we found there was something wrong in that first pregnancy, first I searched for specific information about the medical conditions (diagnoses, prognoses, probabilities, etc.), then I searched for any personal accounts from people who'd faced similar circumstances. I was desperate for not just the cold facts, but how people, women, expectant couples had dealt with the situation. I wanted to know if they faced it bravely or if it crushed them. I wanted to know if they told everyone they knew or kept it a secret for years. I needed to know if they'd ever been able to face pregnancy again. I wanted to know the small things about how they talked with their doctors, how they felt about every step of the process, how they felt about themselves through it all. My account of my experience doesn't have all that, but I do hope it offers some perspective. A small consolation for having gone through it.

My heart goes out to those who find their way here that way. Though we've never met, I feel protective of them. I'd like to be able to call them up and offer my support directly. I wish I could help them navigate the road of suck they're on.

You already know I'm awesome

Orion's out of town this week, leaving me with Linus and Luna Bee on my own. I've said the following just today alone:

"Linus, get that bin off your head and stop kicking stuff!"

"Please don't rub that popsicle on your sister's face."

"No, you can not poke her with that stick!"

and my favorite:

"Do NOT pee on your sister!"

a Luna list

I know, I don't write nearly as much about Luna as I do about Linus (or even just random other stuff). It's not because I care for her any less, or find her less interesting, it's just that she's a baby. Linus talks about shooting rhinoceroses, and runs around in Spiderman underpants, and what not. Basically, he's blog fodder. While I find Luna fascinating, I recognize that this is mostly because I'm her parent. Now that we're on the second one I can see with more clarity that every little thing she does is not magic to anyone but me, her father, and maybe her grandmother. That First Baby Veil has lifted from my eyes. However, I feel I'm juking her in the word count. I don't want her to find this blog 15 years from now and feel slighted and get all huffy and morose (any more so than she'll already be because she's a teenager anyway). I could list 100 things I find completely charming and interesting and amazing about her, but I'll just list 10:

1. She crosses her legs at her ankles whenever she nurses. Has since the day she came out. It's like she's kicking it at the booby, chillin'. It's really eff-ing cute!

2. She's in the 95th percentile for weight and completely off the charts for length! Our girl's going to be a tall one.

3. She is very noisy. If you put her down for even a minute on the floor or couch or whatever, she makes this noise, a sort of a growl that sounds like a chain-smoking baby dinosaur. Rowr, rowr, rowr, rowr, rowr. It's really annoying and therefor effective. Sometimes, she just hollers. Not cry, mind you, hollers.

4. She does not like to be put down (see #3). Sometimes she likes to sit and play with stuff, but mostly she knows you're just trying to do something without her and that's BULLSHIT! She is on to you!

5. She has a hilarious don't-put-me-down strategy of NOT BENDING AT THE WAIST! She will NOT BEND AT THE WAIST no matter what if you try and put her down when she's not ready. The Human Plank. This usually results in having to lay her down on her back WHICH SHE HATES EVEN MORE THAN SITTING DOWN, DAMMIT!!

6. She has no interest in crawling, but she will scale you like Mt. Everest. If I'm sitting next to her on the couch or floor, she'll flop over and scale up the side of me until she's smiling right in my face with a big, one-tooth smile. She's going to be one of those babies that walks before she crawls.

7. She loves the singing. Though she hates the car seat, she'll sit happily as long as I'm singing The Wheels On The Bus. Over, and over, and over again. Her very favorite song is The Itsy-Bitsy Spider. She sings to herself all the time a kind of tuneless chant that includes vigorous arm flapping and bouncing.

8. She sleeps in the crook of my arm all night, which I love, but that means I can't really have much in the way of covers over me because she doesn't do covers. She kicks, kicks, kicks with her super chubby power legs until all covers are off. Even in her sleep she'll kick off the covers. Kick, kick, splay! Only in the deepest of deep sleeps can I sneak a little blanket up over her. Again, cute, but annoying.

9. She pokes her tongue out all the time. Like in the picture above. I don't really get it. There was a period of about 3 weeks a month or so ago when the tongue disappeared, but now it's back. I think it may have something to do with teething, maybe she likes the feel of it on her gums. It's a mystery. It compliments the chain-smoking baby dinosaur noise nicely, however.

10. She loves her brother. Loves him. She lights up with a huge smile whenever he comes to talk or play with her. She finds his shenanigans hilarious! Spin and fall? Funny. Spin and fall again? Funnier. Call her a doh-doh-head? Funny. Get an inch from her face and sing a song. Funny. Pretend to pee on her? Hilarious! You can tell she wants to follow him so bad. She gets furious that he can walk away and she can't follow. Once she starts walking, he's in trouble. He won't be able to shake her.

Anyone still reading at this point, thank you for indulging me.

2 things about TV

1. I do NOT approve of the The Price Is Right Million Dollar Spectacular Prime Time Special. You do not win a million dollars on The Price Is Right. You win a daybed, a collection of gardening equipment, a fondue set, and a supply of Hot Pockets. If you're lucky, you win a car and lose your shit on daytime, national TV. You do not win a million dollars.

The Price Is Right has been on literally for as long as I can remember. I've watched it on occasion since I was a little kid. I started watching it regularly when I was home after Luna was born. What the hell else is on weekdays that's not a soap? In fact, I still Tivo it. It's something we can watch on a rainy day with Linus. It's amazing how little there is on TV that's even remotely appealing to adults, but is also safe for a 3-year old to watch. Now I can tell you the exact retail price of a number of grocery items: Hot Pockets? $2.49. V-8 Juice? $3.15. Gold Bond Powder? $7.99; not to be confused with Gold Bond Lotion which goes for $12.99 (that mistake cost me a dining room set in the It's In The Bag game).

The furniture they give away is horrible - really, all this dark, heavy wood and a lot of tropical motifs, clearly a demographic issue though I don't think it would kill them to embrace a modern design aesthetic on occasion - but I give them props for giving away musical instruments all the time like that's exactly what people want. What other game show gives away a set of 4 electric guitars as a prize (even if they are "designed for girls", which is just a euphemism for pink, but still...)? My favorite part is when they bring out some crazy prize and ask people to price it as part of the game as if they should totally know. Like, a calliope! Are you fucking kidding me?! Who knows how much a calliope costs?? Or, a player piano, or a popcorn cart (like you might find at a fair)? Your average person might have a general idea what a refrigerator costs, or a lawn mower, but a tennis ball machine?? Hahahahaha!


2. If you aren't watching Randy Jackson Presents: America's Best Dance Crew on MTV you need to start watching it right now. They replay episodes 6 times a day, everyday, and I'm not kidding, so it's easy to get caught up. If you are at all a fan of urban street dance styles, or if you grew up in the 80s and maybe saw Breakin' II Electric Boogaloo in the theater you will love it! I'm telling you, kids these days and their crazy dance moves!

I don't know about you, but when somebody says, "Master Mix", I prick up my ears. I've been meaning to plug this show since we first stumbled across Season 1 back in February but never got around to it. Season 2 just started last week, so it's not too late to hook in. Most of the crews have real talent, and any show that takes poppin' and lockin' seriously is fine by me. I wish I could post a clip from last week of the Boogie Bots doing a lateral slide lift to Zapp & Roger's "More Bounce To The Ounce", but I can't find one, dammit! Just trust me and watch.

How ridiculous am I?

Linus and I had the following conversation yesterday on our drive home from work/daycare:

Linus: Mommy? I have something to tell you.
Me: Ok.
Linus: If you shoot a rhinoceros it won't die because it's so tough.
Me: Really? Who told you that?
Linus: Isaac.
Me: I don't think that's true, honey.
Linus: IT IS TRUE!
Me: It might be true in certain situations, but I think in general, if you shoot a rhinoceros, it will die.
Linus: NO IT WON'T!! ISAAC SAID!!
Me: Well, honey, I don't think Isaac knows that much about rhinoceroses.
Linus: HE DOES! ISAAC DOES KNOW!
Me: I don't think so, honey. I think I might know better than Isaac in this case.
Linus: NO! ISAAC KNOWS BETTER!
Me: How old is Isaac? 3?
Linus: Yes.
Me: Well, don't you think I might know more about rhinoceroses than he does?
Linus: NO! ISAAC KNOWS MORE ABOUT RHINOCEROSES!
Me: Really?
Linus: YES!
Me: Well, I have a Ph.D. in biology, what does Isaac have?
Linus: Nothin'!
Me: So, maybe I DO know more about rhinoceroses than Isaac.
Linus: NO! ISAAC KNOWS EVERYTHING!!
Me: I don't think he knows everything, honey.
Linus: HE DOES!! HE KNOWS EVERYTHING! ISAAC KNOWS EVERYTHING!!

So, yes, I actually tried to play the I've-got-a-Ph.D. card in an argument with a 3 year old. That's how ridiculous I am. And, how awesome of a parent.

'Who's this Isaac guy?' you might ask. 'He seems to know a lot, and he's held in high esteem by his peers. I'd like to meet him.' Well, this is the same jam-smeared kid that ran up to Linus this morning and yelled, "Hi, Poo-Poo-Ga-Ga-Go-Go Head!" Linus, of course, thought this was HIlarious.

I've got two words for you...

Doughnut muffins!

Why yes, I do have another child.

Here's picture proof:

I took this picture with my cell phone, so it's not the highest quality, but you get the idea. Sweet potatoes!! Luna started in daycare this morning. Half days to start. She's right next door, so I can go over and nurse every couple of hours, so in some ways it's better than having her at home with her dad. So far, so good, but now our monthly daycare bill is officially larger than our mortgage payment. I wish I was kidding. That's one of those things that until you have kids, you just don't get. Whenever you hear parents talking about how, along with health care and the war in Iraq, one of their top concerns is the lack of affordable, high-quality daycare. You're like, "Huh, wha? Bzzz, bzzz, bzzz, I like Survivor too. Hmmm, what's that?" Then you have kids and suddenly, "What the fuck?! Why is daycare so expensive?! Why is there only one good daycare in town, and it's got a 2 year waitlist?! Am I now dependent on the unlicensed daycare down the street run by what I'm pretty sure is a meth-head?!" I'm only exaggerating a little. A very little.

Fortunately for us, once we got Linus in, Luna Bee's considered a legacy, so she got bumped to the top of the waitlist. I think she's been a little starved for other baby company, so this will be good for her social development. It's one of those things where it's hard as a parent to let go of all aspects of her interactions with other people, but then she gets to have experiences beyond what we provide for her. I know she gets bored at home at times sitting in the same spots on the floor, or the couch, with the same old toys. She was completely fixated on the other babies crawling around this morning. I'm sure she'll be crawling in a week.

Music Appreciation

Linus came home from preschool today and showed me this:


"I wrote this song for you! It goes like this...", and he proceeded to sing it for me. I just about died, it was so awesome! I asked him to sing it for me again so I could record it. Ladies and Gentlemen, Linus' vlog debut:




How great is that?! I especially like how he's actually reading it. Here is the drawing on the other side of the song; it's me and Linus under a rainbow, apparently:


Linus likes to draw his rainbows in a sort of cross-sectional view.

I was driving Linus to preschool a couple of days ago. His preschool is next door to where I work. The last few minutes of the ride he was quiet, obviously lost in thought. Once we'd arrived, as we were getting out of the car we had this conversation:

Me: What were you thinking about, Honey? The zoo? Or lunch?
Linus: I was thinking about flyer shoes.
Me: Fire shoes?
Linus: No, FLYING shoes. Like shoes that would fly, that would be like whoosh! and I would fly me up, up, up into the sky.

So, I'm not really concerned about him lacking imagination or creative drive.

In case you thought I was kidding about Linus' hat+undies bedtime wardrobe, I have picture proof:




He's half-heartedly perusing his shirt drawer because I asked him to consider wearing more. In the end he opted to go with just the pictured ensemble.

Things I've been thinking about lately (parenting and otherwise)

I have found absolutely NO time to post at all lately, so I'm taking a break at work to write down a couple of things that have been floating around my head lately:

1. I turned 40 a couple of weeks ago and I feel completely ambivalent about it. One the one hand, I'm not psyched about getting older. If I'm honest, it turns out that quite a bit of my self image is wrapped up in being (or at least appearing) youngish and hip-ish. I'm straddling a line between not wanting to pigeon-hole myself into some vision of what an older woman/mom/scientist/person is like that may be based on some cliched bullshit, while not wanting to look ridiculously out of touch with my actual age. I've been more aware of needing, for example, an "age-appropriate" wardrobe at least for work. On the other hand, fuck you ageist American culture!

2. How should I parent my 4-year old? Linus has been a challenge lately, especially at bed time. He doesn't want to go to bed, no matter how tired he actually is, and so he has a whole bag full of tricks he tries using to postpone the inevitable; just flat-out refusing to go, refusing to get into the bath, refusing to get out, taking 20 minutes to pick out pjs, wanting one more story, wanting to talk about ____, wanting one more hug, wanting a hug from Daddy, or Mommy, whichever one isn't there at the moment, wanting water, wanting to sleep wherever he isn't at the moment, etc. This bedtime thing is really a microcosm of the whole parenting dilemma for me generally. If I choose an authoritative model (e.g. "Go to bed! Because I said so!"), how to enforce it? Because it does require enforcement, and the inevitable, eventual conclusion is to beat your kids. Seriously. If you say, "Do this!" and your kid says, "NO!", then you say, "Then I'll take away X!" and your kid basically says, "I don't care!", you have no where to go but physical punishment when your authority is challenged like that. We don't go that far, but we do get to yelling, and marshaling him around physically, which always ends up with crying, and general upset-edness on both our parts. Plus, it's ineffectual. Yelling and marshaling and punishing does nothing except set him up to be oppositional, ruins the evening, and doesn't stop it from happening again the next night. And, I don't want to raise a bully who deals with conflict by yelling and getting angry. Unfortunately, it tends to be a default response for me because it's what I was raised with.

Alternatively, all of the "gentle discipline" approaches we've tried have also been less than effective. We have a very regular bed time, with a regular routine. We've tried being very rigid and then also very lax. We let him make choices and go with the flow. We've talked at length with him about the whys and hows and what we need to do to have a peaceful, happy, healthy family. All that is great up to the point where he still doesn't want to go to bed.

I just picked up a new book, actually, that I have a lot of hope for. It's called The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child. What appeals to me about it is that it is based on some 30 years of research by this guy Kazdin, who's some developmental psych guy at Yale or Princeton or some other Fancy-Pantsery. He's been researching effective discipline for a long time, so everything he says is backed up by data. This is huge for me because, let's face it, there are shitloads of parenting advice out there, and most of it is based on nothing. Anecdotes, personal opinion, "because that's how I was raised and I turned out ok...", etc. And you guys know I'm all about the data. Yeah, your opinion's great and all, but has it been peer-reviewed? What are the confidence intervals on that prediction? I'm half-kidding, but only half. I know that research shows over and over again that punishment doesn't work. It just doesn't, not if you want to actually change behavior and raise moral and ethical kids. It might get you compliance in the very short-term, might, but that's about it. But, it turns out that all of that gentle-discipline-talky-talk also does very little to change behavior. It might be very important in communicating values to your kids, but in terms of actually changing behavior...nada.

I want to raise kids who think for themselves, do the right thing, have empathy and sympathy, but don't flinch when I walk into the room, will turn to me when they have a problem, but who also GO TO FUCKING BED WHEN IT'S BEDTIME, you know? So, Kazdin's data show that essentially you have to reward the behavior you want, and ignore the behavior you don't. If you do this, you will be able to change how your child behaves. He recommends that if there is a specific behavior that you want to change you can set up a reward chart for a short while and effect the change you want. I have to say that I've always been suspicious of reward charts and the like. We haven't gone that far yet, but I will say that in our day-to-day life I have been consciously ignoring behaviors I don't like, and vociferously rewarding ones I do, and it's true that he pretty quickly stops doing what I'm ignoring. It's not like I haven't regularly praised him for good behavior in the past, but I haven't completely ignored bad behavior, and I'm looking for any chance to praise the behavior I do want. I'm thinking a reward chart for the bedtime process may be in our future.

More quick facts...

I once waited on Jesse Jackson. Now there's a big guy. You can totally tell he used to play football in his youth. Ate a big ol' plate of bacon and eggs. He had a bit of an entourage with him - lot's of people who would sit for a couple of minutes, then scurry off, then come back for another couple of minutes. Also, very polite.

I've also waited on Buddy Guy, Gene Rayburn (R.I.P.), and (then ambassador) Walter Mondale. So, essentially, all my brushes with the famous involve me serving food and/or beverages to them.

Quick fact...

I once sold a cup of coffee to Pat Buchanan. He's not a tall guy. I tend to think people who are as tall as I am are actually shorter than me, so he's probably as tall as I am, but I think he's shorter. And he has beady little eyes. He was polite, though he didn't smile once. He didn't try to kidney punch me or anything, so there's that.

No more boff, please.

I am tired of barf (or, "boff" as Linus pronounces it). Really, really tired. Linus got some sort of stomach bug, then Orion got it. Luna Bee and I have avoided it thus far, so that's something. A boffing 3-year old is a pathetic thing. Orion can make his way to the bathroom and do his boffing out of sight, but not so much Linus. We are not a queasy people in this house, generally. Linus has had one other bug in his life that caused him to throw up, so we don't deal with it that often. But, boy, when we do...gross.

It's just really sad to hear your son cough, then start to cry in his room after he's been asleep for awhile. You go in and find him on all fours on his bed boffing into his pillow. Like, a lot. He's got barf all on the side of his head because he obviously was asleep when all this started. Once he's done boffing, he sits back on his heels, cries, and starts flapping his hands, he's so upset, thus flinging boff around the room. You pick him up and carry him to the bathroom where you strip both of you down and get into the tub to wash your hair. Yeah. Repeat that every couple of hours and you know what life's been like for me for the last 48 hours or so. Actually, the last couple of times, he's made it into the bowl beside his bed. Small victories, people. We moved him out of his bed onto his gym mats on the floor. After stripping his bed once or twice, I learned to just lay out a bunch of towels on the gym mats and let him sleep there. Easy clean up. Plus, he thinks it's cool.

And Luna...Luna! Though she hasn't been sick, she does spit up all the time. We never had to deal with spitting up with Linus. Oh, sure, when he was teething he drooled like a rabid bat, but never spit up. Luna Bee, on the other hand, is a regular spitter-upper. Doesn't bother her. She'll spit up, smiling the whole time. Nothing like holding your baby when she spits up a big, warm gob onto your neck, which slides down your chest and into your cleavage, like a warm, gooey slug. Not that that happened to me just last night or anything. Gross. Gross!!

So, I'm tired of boff. I would like to call a moratorium on any boffing in our house for awhile, ok?

More clichés about parenting

So, it's a truism that growing up is all about becoming independent from your parents. I expected to have moments in my parenting life where this would be apparent. You know, the classic images of a teary mom putting her kid on the school bus for the first time. Or, packing up your kid's stuff and sending them off to college. Maybe walking them down the aisle in their wedding. All of that may well be true, but it's not just those big moments, is it? No, your kids are essentially moving away from you from the moment they are born. It's a continual, daily process of becoming independent from you.

First, they're literally dependent on you for absolutely everything, then they're born. True, newborns are helpless, but they don't need you for the basic functions anymore. Soon they're able to sit up on their own, grab at what they want, roll over. Before long they're skootching around the floor like turtles, then crawling (maybe only backwards at first, but still), then walking, running, climbing to the top of the ladder.

Every time I take a moment to notice, Linus is a little more independent than before. A little bit more his own person, a little less in need of assistance (it's true of Luna too, but it's more about physical needs for her right now, rather than emotional and intellectual). It's such a bittersweet thing. One the one hand, you want your kids to be independent, self-reliant people, but on the other hand I miss each step that's gone by. I miss him sleeping on my chest, nursing, holding my hand to stay upright, hiding behind my leg during any new social situation, but I want him to have strong legs, not noodle legs. I guess I wasn't expecting a daily process of letting go.

I'm home with the same cold that Luna's had, and Orion has. Linus, who was clearly the vector for it, has manage to not get it. There is no justice! It's definitely one of the challenges of having a 3-year old in daycare. He brings home every bug. You can only have him wash his hands so often before it becomes child abuse. But, I've been wanting to post, so this gives me the opportunity.

We're settling into our new family life. I had so much anxiety before Luna was born about just how much she was going to mess with our good family dynamic. I knew it was inevitable that she would take some of our attention away from Linus. I wondered if this would foster resentment in him, that he would feel slighted. Would he hate her for it? Would a resentment continue to grow as they grew? I didn't have a very good relationship with my own sister, so I've always been ambivalent about sibling relationships. We pretty much hated each other for most of our sub-adult lives. It's taken us years to develop an even passably friendly relationship. We are in no way close. I felt like I was living with an enemy for most of my childhood. I didn't want to introduce a source of aggro like that into Linus' life. Also, I didn't know if I wanted to turn my attention. I loved the cozy little threesome we had established. Even though he was going to be 3 when LB was born, he was still my baby. In my heart of hearts, I just knew I could never love another kid as much as I love him. Oh sure, I'd love another baby, but, shhhhhhh, don't tell anybody, I'd always love him best.

Ok, this is weird. I was just saw over at Tina's site that she wrote about this very subject. She pretty much sums up exactly how I was feeling before having Luna.

Well, to my infinite relief, so far, it's all good. Linus LOVES Luna. He doesn't seem to harbor even a hint of resentment towards her. The first couple of times I had to say, "I can't (whatever) with you right now, Linus, I have to take care of the baby" I cringed a little inside and waited for the Luna backlash. Some sort of wailing, "You ALWAYS have to take care of the baby!" kind of response. But, honestly, I've seen not a trace of that from him. He seems to totally get that LB is a baby, and babies need attention nearly all the time. We have done a fair amount of telling Linus about how when he was a baby, we'd done the same stuff for him. He totally gets it. And he's way into being a Big Brother. If you tell him he's a big boy he'll correct you and say, "I'm not a big boy, I'm a big brother!"

He'll get right up in Luna's face, like right up, faces touching, don't-put-your-nose-in-your-sister's-mouth, kind of close all the time. He'll say, "Hi. Hiiiiiiiiii. Hi-hi-hi-hi-hi-hi-hi, Baby!" over and over again. He's a close-talker with her. It kinda makes me a little crazy, ironically, how much in her face he gets. It would drive me nuts to have him up in my face like that, but Luna seems to dig it. In fact, she LOOOOOVES Linus. She totally lights up when he talks to her. Seems completely happy to have no personal space whatsoever. Is perfectly willing to suck on his nose. When she starts walking, he's going to have a new shadow, I can see it.

I can't tell you what a relief this is. Of course, I don't expect them to be harmonious friends all the time, but it's a great start. When I was pregnant with LB I would have periods of real sadness for Linus and what I feared he was going to lose. But it seems he hasn't lost anything. I've come to see that any attention Linus loses to Luna is actually ok. More than that, it's a good thing. I see that it's a good thing to not be under the spotlight of our full attention all the time. It gives him space to be on his own, to have to figure some things out for himself. I don't know how much of this is just luck of timing for us. Maybe we just had Luna at the right time, just when Linus was 3 and becoming more independent anyway. I don't know, but it's worked out just right.

I still call him "Baby", though. I can't seem to help it. It gets confusing at times. I'll ask Orion if "the baby's had a snack", or whatever, referring to Linus while holding an actual baby in my arms. I'll be calling him "Baby" when he's 30, I can tell. Both of them. Sorry.

Slight gender confusion

This is a conversation I just had with Linus (We've set up his gym mats so he can jump off of them onto his beanbag. He's only wearing underpants.)

Me: Wow! You sure can jump far.
Linus: Yeah. If you take everything off your body you can jump far.
Me: So, if you're naked you can jump far?
Linus: Yeah! If you only have your undies you can jump far!
Me: Ok!
Linus: I'm like Spiderman!
Me: Yeah!
Linus: Naked Spiderman!
Me: Naked Spiderman!
Linus: Naked Woman Spiderman!
Me: Naked Woman Spiderman?
Linus: Hahahahaha!
a few minutes later...
Linus: You can't jump as far as me.
Me: Maybe not.
Linus: When you were a little boy, and I was a big boy, you couldn't jump this far. jumps Waaaaaaa!

Smiles for everyone!

Toothless and proud of it.

Sad baby

I'm home with a sick Luna Bee today. She's got a bad cold and is most pathetic. She seems to want to nurse about every hour so I didn't want to leave it to Orion to deal with her by himself. It's for the best as I am sick as well and she got me up hourly last night. I thought I'd post something and since Tina put this meme out there, I'm biting:

1. Pick up the nearest book.
2. Open it at page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence/ phrase.
4. Blog the next four sentences/ phrases together with these instructions.
5. Don't you dare dig your shelves for that very special or intellectual book.
6. Pass it forward to six friends

The book is "What's going on in there? How the brain and mind develop in the first five years of life." Page 123 is the beginning of Chapter 5: The Importance of Touch:

That's because the sense of touch is one of a baby's most advanced abilities at birth. Little Phoebe, who just tuned one week old today, can't see very well - the whole room's a big blur - but she loves to be held. She can feel her mother's arm, cradling her comfortably under her head, her hand holding her bottom, and that wonderfully warm breast next to her cheek. The sense of touch is by no means fully developed at birth. Babies have a long way to go until they can discriminate all different types of tactile sensations and accurately pinpoint the location of a touch on their body.

Yeah, not that illuminating. The later sections on toddler brain development are more interesting.

The only friend I have that blogs is Tina, so anyone else is welcome to take it up (just let me know). Anyway, here's a picture from a healthier, happier day:

The Oscars are a mystery

This is what watching the Oscars with Linus is like:

Linus: What's this?
Me: The Oscars, honey.
Linus: The what?
Me: The Oscars. The Academy Awards. It's an award show for movies.
Linus: For scary movies?!
Me: For all movies.
Linus: Who's that guy?
Me: That's John Stewart, he's the host.
Linus: The what?
Me: The host. Ummm. He's in charge of the show.
Linus: What's that?
Me: That's a clip from a movie. Uh, they're showing part of one of the movies.
Linus: A clip?
Me: Yeah.
Linus: What's that?
Me: That's a clip from another movie.
Linus: What's that?
Me: That's a cl - Honey, they're going to be showing clips from a lot of movies, so you don't need to ask every time, ok?
Linus: Is that a clip?
Me: Yes.
Linus: Who's that?
Me: That's the host.
Linus: Who's that?
Me: That's one of the people presenting an award.
Linus: Who's that?
Me: That's Javier Bardem, he just won an award.
Linus: Why are the people clapping?
Me: They're clapping for the guy who just won.
Linus: Who? Who just won?
Me: That guy, Javier Bardem.
Linus: Did he win a prize?
Me: Yes. An Oscar.
Linus: An Oscar?! Is that a good prize? Is it like a treat?
Me: Yes, I think he's happy he won this prize.
Linus: Who's that?
Me: Another presenter.
Linus: What's he talking about?
Me: About who might win the next prize.
Linus: What's that?
Me: More movie clips.
Linus: Is it a scary movie? Does it have bad parts I can't watch?
Me: No, not these clips. They're short.
Linus: Who's that?
Me: That's the host, honey, remember?
(I bleep bloop through some boring crap)
Linus: Why are you skipping?
Me: Because it's not interesting. Just a bunch more clips.
Linus: Is it bad stuff for me not to see??
Me: No, just not very interesting.
Linus: What are they doing?
Me: They're singing one of the songs that might get an award.
Linus: (Lifts up his hands mimicking the people on stage) Why are they doing that?
Me: I don't know. It's part of the performance.
Linus: Who's that?
Me: That's another presenter.
Linus: Is that another clip?
Me: Yep.
Linus: Is that another clip?
Me: Yes, please don't ask every time, ok?
Linus: Who's that guy?
Me: I think it's time for your bath.

Here's the thing: baby edition

The baby is on a nap strike. I don't know what the deal is, but it's making Orion and I a little nutty. She fights, and fights, and fights sleep, and when she does finally conk out for a nap, she sleeps for half an hour at the most. That is NOT enough nap time for a little baby. What this means is that there is about a 15 minute sweet spot in the evening when she's willing to go out, but not so tired that she's sleepy-crazy yet. We have to pay close attention and make our sleep-inducing moves right then. You know; nursing, rocking, bouncing, whatever it takes. Because, of course, babies don't just roll over and fall asleep when they're tired. Oh no, they need to be coaxed. If we're too early we're just wasting our time. She'll close her eyes for a minute, fake you out, and then *pop*! Eyes open, big grin, like, "Sucker!" But if we miss that window of opportunity then we're fucked. She gets sleepy-crazy and cries and hoots and fusses and moans. All with her eyes closed. This goes on for a good 45 minutes to an hour before she either passes out, or escalates to hollering. I'll be glad when this stage passes.

Her brain must be growing like crazy at the moment and she doesn't want to miss anything, so she refuses to sleep, even though she's so obviously tired and looks punch drunk. I also think she's doing some teething. There's nothing poking up yet, but they can feel it long before any teeth show. She's all drooly, and she chews on her fingers like they're Chick-O-Stix. She's been a noisy, slurpy, fist-sucker from the beginning, but finger chewing is a recent addition.

Fortunately, we hit the window tonight. She's passed out on Daddy's shoulder and will be out for the night (except for one or two feedings). I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she'll get 3 nice long naps tomorrow. Is it really so much to ask?

Here's the thing; political edition

I support Barack Obama. Not because he's a rock star and not because I've succumbed to the "cult of personality". I'm both an intellectual and emotional person. I tend to champion intellect first, while Tina does the same for emotion. We are diametrically balanced in that way: I think there's maybe too much emotion and not enough intellect in the process at large, while Tina thinks the opposite.* We're both right.

I support Barack Obama because he inspires me. He's seems to inspire a lot of people to give in to the better aspects of their political natures. That is a powerful thing. He is intellectual and emotional, and a little hip and cool. I expect policy wonky-ness from my senators and representatives. I have scrutinized proposed legislation, and written emails, and asked where my congress-folk stand and intend to vote, and demanded changes in language, etc. But I want my president to lead, and I like the direction Obama seems intent on taking us. I want a president who can inspire (I know, again) the country to move in a new direction. That's what I want.

*any gross mischaracterizations of Tina's positions are wholly my own.

Hat only!

I just put Linus to bed wearing nothing but a hat. It's a sort of of a knit cap, dark blue. He's been going through a thing where first he didn't want to wear his pj top, then he didn't want to wear his pj bottoms, only underpants. That lasted about a week. Now he doesn't want to wear anything. I think it's because he has a fleece blanket and he likes the way it feels on his skin, but I'm only guessing. He kicks the sheet and comforter down to the foot of the bed and burritos himself in the blanket. Can't blame him, really.

The hat is new tonight. When I last checked, he had it pulled down over his eyes. I think it may be some sort of monster protection. He's very concerned with monsters lately. What monsters are around, where they are, their emotional state (happy, sad, etc.). He's full of the most mysterious stuff of late. I don't understand half of what he's saying most days. I mean, I understand the words, just not the meaning. If he chooses to explain at length, I can generally come around to some understanding, but sometimes not. For example:

Linus: "I need a card pick."
Me: "What's a 'card pick'"?
Linus: "It's a sort of a small fish, or like a stone, for my mouth."
Me: "..."

You tell me.

But then again, how can I resist?

I'm not that kind of girl.

I forgot about how babies will try and make out with you. Have you ever experienced this? You're holding a baby and you move in to plant a kiss on one of those fat, irresistible cheeks when at the last moment, just as you're about to make contact, the baby turns their head, mouth open, and you end up in a weird make-out session with a 3-month old. This happens to me at least twice a day with Luna. Big, drooly, open-mouthers when all I want is a cheek smooch.

A new tack

I know I've been home for 13 weeks with Luna now and yet I haven't managed to post more than once. What gives? I don't have a good answer except that writing takes more time for me than the snippets I get at the moment, I guess. I'd had this grand plan to post almost daily with these long posts all about labor, birth, new baby, parenting, etc. Well, so much for my plans. How about if I just post a little about small things with more regularity and save the big posts for another time? Ok? Good.

So, quick Luna Bee update: She talks all the time! She's the chattiest baby I've ever met. She looks at you intently, waits until she has your full attention, and then starts to talk, "Hoo. Hool. Hoowool. Hoom. Hoowow. Waloo hool. Mwah!" She really tries to imitate the way we move our mouths when we talk to her. She's got something to say and no way to really say it yet. Linus babbled like other babies at some point, sure, but it's like Luna's trying so hard to make Big People words right out of the box. I'll see if I can get some video of it up at some point.